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Literature Text
What Val doesn’t understand is that Army of Darkness fits the classic savior-from-a strange-land archetype mixed with a bit of Joe Everyman with Ash/Bruce being a bit of a shlub while being totally awe- oh, wait, got it, door’s unlocked. Stupid Hellions, can’t even keep their hideout doors from being picked by a credit card…
Alrighty then, let’s have a look-see. Fire alarms and smoke detectors look busted, Hellion hallmarks. Smells like they’re already using the lighter fluid they stole, big surprise…
Oops, guard. Young guy, basic punk… though that Mossberg 500 he’s packing might prove problematic… quick cough, get his attention… Hell-EE-on, come out and play-EE-ay… BAM! Elbow to jaw, out like a light. Get the flexi-cuffs… there. Now let’s see what he was packing… dragon breath shells? Terrific, these pyromanic idiots needed a new way to torch things… Least they don't have flamethrowers. Hellions + flamers = scary.
Man, I could go for some seafood tonight... Anyway – oops, think I hear something… sneaksneaksneak watchyourfooting sneak…
Let’s see… wow these guys have a big summoning circle… looks like… like… whose symbols are those again? Oh yeah, Venger the Dread… I knew that. Shadow demon, likes kids. As offerings. Good thing there’s not...
Well what do you know they have a kid right there. Looks like the Hellies are competing with Doc Vhaz for Most Despicable In Town. That's it, it is SO spinach time.
Ut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut…
Two smokers, either side of the kid –he looks drugged, he’s been through enough… but at least it’ll be easy to carry him- angle 'er proper and aim, aiiiiiiiiiiim… GO!
One away two away! GO! Run… Damned mobile, rubber round to knee –got him, had to sting- yank the kid, behind me, caltrops, caltrops, here! Why’d I move them to that pocket? Nevermind, fling ‘em –some rat-a-tat-tat at random to spook them- grab kid RUN!
Runrunrunrun –jeez kid’s heavy, gonna have to sponsor some kid-weight loss progr- SHOTS FIRED! Crap crap crap crap, turn the corner, set kid down… hmm, pursuit looks rattled… I wonder what's on TV tonight... load another smoke round… one away… flashbang round… two away! Ought to slow them up… oops, one got through. Aim, boom. Okay, all clear… heft kid and bolt!
Okay, down the stairs –easy now, no dropping the kid!- ought to be safe enough to stash the kid –poor guy’s still out of it- under here while I go ‘a huntin’. Okay, rest tight buddy, it’s time for Marty to party…
Question is, what should I sing?
Alrighty then, let’s have a look-see. Fire alarms and smoke detectors look busted, Hellion hallmarks. Smells like they’re already using the lighter fluid they stole, big surprise…
Oops, guard. Young guy, basic punk… though that Mossberg 500 he’s packing might prove problematic… quick cough, get his attention… Hell-EE-on, come out and play-EE-ay… BAM! Elbow to jaw, out like a light. Get the flexi-cuffs… there. Now let’s see what he was packing… dragon breath shells? Terrific, these pyromanic idiots needed a new way to torch things… Least they don't have flamethrowers. Hellions + flamers = scary.
Man, I could go for some seafood tonight... Anyway – oops, think I hear something… sneaksneaksneak watchyourfooting sneak…
Let’s see… wow these guys have a big summoning circle… looks like… like… whose symbols are those again? Oh yeah, Venger the Dread… I knew that. Shadow demon, likes kids. As offerings. Good thing there’s not...
Well what do you know they have a kid right there. Looks like the Hellies are competing with Doc Vhaz for Most Despicable In Town. That's it, it is SO spinach time.
Ut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut-gut…
Two smokers, either side of the kid –he looks drugged, he’s been through enough… but at least it’ll be easy to carry him- angle 'er proper and aim, aiiiiiiiiiiim… GO!
One away two away! GO! Run… Damned mobile, rubber round to knee –got him, had to sting- yank the kid, behind me, caltrops, caltrops, here! Why’d I move them to that pocket? Nevermind, fling ‘em –some rat-a-tat-tat at random to spook them- grab kid RUN!
Runrunrunrun –jeez kid’s heavy, gonna have to sponsor some kid-weight loss progr- SHOTS FIRED! Crap crap crap crap, turn the corner, set kid down… hmm, pursuit looks rattled… I wonder what's on TV tonight... load another smoke round… one away… flashbang round… two away! Ought to slow them up… oops, one got through. Aim, boom. Okay, all clear… heft kid and bolt!
Okay, down the stairs –easy now, no dropping the kid!- ought to be safe enough to stash the kid –poor guy’s still out of it- under here while I go ‘a huntin’. Okay, rest tight buddy, it’s time for Marty to party…
Question is, what should I sing?
Here it is, a somewhat frightening look into the slightly warped mind of everyone's favorite mildly retarded guy with a gun Marty Rallner. I strove to capture the various facets of his personality, like his Marine training mixing with his lighthearted side with a bit of randomness thrown in.
To be honest, I'm not sure if this one is really finished yet. I'll probably pick away at it like I do Naughty & Nice until I'm satisfied with it. Which might be never.
Bonus! There's one obvious and one not-so-obvious cartoon references in this story. Spot 'em both and win a pixel card! (Hint: One's a classic, the other from the 80s)
Stay tuned, because my next stream-of-consciousness story's gonna star everyone's favorite teenage necromancer and megalomaniac, Angie Summers! You won't want to miss that one!
To be honest, I'm not sure if this one is really finished yet. I'll probably pick away at it like I do Naughty & Nice until I'm satisfied with it. Which might be never.
Bonus! There's one obvious and one not-so-obvious cartoon references in this story. Spot 'em both and win a pixel card! (Hint: One's a classic, the other from the 80s)
Stay tuned, because my next stream-of-consciousness story's gonna star everyone's favorite teenage necromancer and megalomaniac, Angie Summers! You won't want to miss that one!
© 2007 - 2024 zerry
Comments9
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Okay- obvious one is Pop-eye... would the other be Elmer Fudd? Not so much a cartoon in and of himself, as just a cartoon character, but still- that 'a huntin' part sounds like part of the song he likes to sing: a huntin we will go, a huntin we will go... But I could be wrong. LOL. Probably am, but still. You've now gone and piqued my curiosity. 